I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
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