im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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