He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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