just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
