Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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