I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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