I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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