U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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