trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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