I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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