Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
