my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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