Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
