my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
