I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
