Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
