I think I died a long time ago.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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