literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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