Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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