If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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