There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
