Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
