4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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