Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
