the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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