They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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