i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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