Cold hands, warm shart.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
