I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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