hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
