i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
