had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
