I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
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