I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Is Oprah even human
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
