I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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