I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
