I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
whose ass print is on the piano?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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