well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
FUCK WHALES
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
