Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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