Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
