he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
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