My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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