I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
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