her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
