He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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