Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
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