got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
