Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
