he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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