my phone needs a breathalizer
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
