when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
