We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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